Addict

Trigger Warning: talk of addiction and eating disorders.

I have a problem. I have had this problem for the majority of my life, and I have only realized what it was a few days ago. Why?

This is literally what I thought think.

Because I have had a relapse.

Probably triggered by recent events, I had a discussion with Mata this past MLK day that really made me reflect and analyses myself. I had complained to her about the treatment in my P.E. class, and during the discussion she asked me, "Why are you fat?" ....What?

"Why are you fat?"

I had to think about it. Of course, there is always the answer, "why does it matter?" That's like asking me why I'm a girl or why I am tall or why I like Paganism over all the other religions. But for the sake of argument, let's consider it. Why? There could be many reasons why: genetics, socioeconomic class, access to quality food, ability and means to physically move. Genetic wise, my maternal family is all short and average, and my paternal family is tall and stocky. I seemed to have inherited more from my father in that body type than from my mother, but the problem is that no one, no one, from that side of the family is as heavy as I am (they are also not very many of them alive; I am 75% sure I also inherited their tenancy towards heart attacks and cancer).

So what about the other three factors? I was from a poor family; the Working Class. We were only able to buy cheap, typically processed, food like Ramen noodles and $0.99 cent white bread. Fresh fruits and veggies were rare, and were typically frozen or canned. We just couldn't afford $4.50 for a loaf of good wheat bread or $5 for a half gallon of organic milk. My ability to move around was self-restricted as well, preferring to stay indoors and read, eat, or watch TV.

Toxic words like these would replay over and over again.

But, as I have talked about before (TL;DR - Food Issues, linked above), I mostly ate. I would eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat. I wouldn't -- couldn't-- stop myself. I would binge without the purge, not because I was against bulimia but because I couldn't force my body to. I have, on many occasion growing up, put toothbrushes or even my fist down my throat in an attempt to vomit. My body would absolutely refuse. I tried to gorge myself many, many times, to the point of bursting, and still my body would not give it up. That is the only reason why I did not become bulimic.

That's not to say I didn't have an unhealthy relationship with food. I obsessed over it constantly. I thought about it always, and especially when it was in front of me. I would stare at my friend's breakfasts or lunches like some starved dog begging for food and my friend's would become uncomfortable. I would sometimes hide in the library to escape the sights and smells, skipping my own lunch or breakfast. I would later, in my teen years, cycle between not eating and binging, hiding from my friends and begging them for money. I would also hide my own eating, not wanting to eat in front of my friends and family. They probably didn't notice just how much I ate when people weren't around and no one was watching.

Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words can make me starve myself.

When I started my journey towards the betterment of myself and found HAES, I started to work on my relationship with food. I would buy myself actual food; real fruits and veggies, organic foods and milk, wheat bread, and everything I thought would be better for my body. It really responded for me, very much enjoying the new sights, smells, and tastes. Slowly, I would recognize my impulses to emotionally eat and would do something else. Soon, I would find an exercise that I actually liked instead of despised, and then another, and another. I would still eat many times a day, 5 or 6 times, but they were small, dense meals that would fill me. I would stop thinking about eating; stop revolving my life around food; stop obsessing about my weight; stop being possessed to horde, and gorge on, food.

I still horde food, but now I don't gorge, and the food is all in the kitchen instead of in my room. I horde food to such an extent that too much of it goes bad and I throw it out. I shop every week, mostly out of necessity, but if I have to put back food because I don't have enough money, I become stressed over it. If I don't have enough food in the house to have a full fridge and pantry, I become very stressed. Sometimes I go look in the fridge and pantry (and this sounds so damn silly) to make sure the food is still there.

I didn't notice just how far I had gone in my recovery until my relapse. I have had a non-stop binge episode for the past week, and I am struggling to control it. My ability to listen to what my body wants has eroded and has been exasperated by the fact that I can now afford to "feed my habit." The sudden stress at home, work, and school has agitated the disordered eating, and the disordered eating is creating stress which in turn excites the disordered eating.

This isn't what I want! This isn't how I want to be! Damn it, I don't want to be consumed by my thoughts; I don't want to be devoured by my depression again; I don't want to be engulfed by this.

Like those addicted to drugs or alcohol, this addiction has truly harmed myself and those around me. Harming myself is obvious (short term; stomach pains, depression and sluggishness, lack of energy, depletion of food stores and subsequent stress over lack of food. Long term; high blood pressure, high resting heart rate, muscular atrophy, etc), but others? Yes; I have lied, cheated, and stole to feed my habit. I have taken money from my parents and stole food from my family's mouths. I have lied to my friends for food, and even taken from them. I have pressured the people in my life for "hits," or just directly taken from their pantries or fridges. But unlike those people who are addicted to heroin or cocaine or alcohol, I can't just stop eating. I can't not have it in the house. I can't not be around it. I can only manage it, and take steps against it.

Being Body Positive helps me. Being an advocate for HAES helps me. It helps me form a positive image of myself and helps develop inner self-esteem. It helps by soothing the underlying reasons for my addiction. If even for selfish reasons, I advocate loving yourself, because if I didn't, I would have died long ago.

I am Kitsune and I have an eating disorder. Perhaps I am fat because of it; perhaps I am fat for other reasons. Perhaps many other infinite things that I can't describe or think of. All that is certain now is that I have this, and I have to deal with it.

Fat And Anorexic?

BIG TRIGGER WARNING: Pictures of women with eating disorders, and talk about eating disorders. Scroll down to see.







 [Buffer]




 [No seriously, it's a buffer]











What do you think of when you  hear the words "anorexic" or "bulimic"? What mental picture do you have?

This?

This?

This?

What about this?

What exactly is "dieting" for fat people? Dieting is "restrict[ing] oneself to small amounts or special kinds of food in order to lose weight." It is constantly obsessing about your weight, how much or little food you eat, what type of food, when, where, why. It is:

• Obsession with calories and fat content of food
• Preoccupation with food, recipes, or cooking; may cook elaborate dinners for others, but not eat the food themselves
• Dieting ...
• Rituals: cuts food into tiny pieces; refuses to eat around others; hides or discards food
• Purging: uses laxatives, diet pills, ipecac syrup, or water pills; may engage in self-induced vomiting; may run to the bathroom after eating in order to vomit and quickly get rid of the calories
• May engage in frequent, strenuous exercise

.....

• Becomes intolerant to cold and frequently complains of being cold .... body temperature lowers in effort to conserve energy
• Depression: may frequently be in a sad, lethargic state
• Solitude: may avoid friends and family; becomes withdrawn and secretive

 It is:

• fixation on number of calories consumed
• fixation on and extreme consciousness of weight
• low self-esteem
• low blood pressure
• irregular menstrual cycle
• constant trips to the bathroom
• depression

Whoa, wait a minute! Did I just tell you the signs of anorexia and bulimia nervosa? Yes I did.
Counting calories, fixation on weight, preoccupation with food or cooking, and strenuous exercise are all dietary requirements for fat people, but if you are thin, you have an eating disorder.

It is so easy for overweight and obese people to have an eating disorder nowadays. It is even advocated. Here, just look if you don't believe me:

You hear these things all the time. I know I do. On the TV, on the radio, in songs and movies, in the street, on the internet, oh so much on the internet. You hear it from doctors, from politicians, from the First Lady, from scientists, from your friends and family.

"Just stop eating so much."
"Do you really need to eat that?"
"Why don't you exercise instead?"
"Your height to weight ratio is not as good as it needs to be."
"Put down the donut."
"I am concerned about your health."
"If you continue the way you are, you are going to die."

On and on, and you wonder why eating disorders in children under 12 have risen. Not surprisingly, so has adult eating disorders. That's what happens when "[o]n any given day, nearly 40 percent of American women are on a diet." There is not a thin line between dieting and eating disorders. They are, in my opinion, one and the same.

Tune in tomorrow for a first hand account of an eating disorder.

EDIT: Due to the response of this post, I have written another post addressing issues from here.


 

Set Fire to Your World

"Do one thing every day that scares you."
                                                                ---Eleanor Roosevelt 

I recently read About.com's article on ten bad habits of Pagans. Seven down from the top is "Stop Wasting Time" with a common complaint that I have heard fall out of my own mouth. So, in an attempt to stop wasting my time, I decided to do something about my spirituality like a boss. I went to a Sikh Gurdwara (temple).

Everyone has to cover their hair, men and women. Here is my turban. Yes, I wore my pent.

I have wanted to visit a Sikh temple since I first learned about Sikhism via Project Conversion (there are more posts, the blog just doesn't show them) in September of 2011. You see, if I was not in love with Paganism, I would totally be a Sikh. Why? Because a good portion of the belief system I agree with -- from complete equality between men and women to the defense of the weak, powerless, and oppressed to service to the community, I love it all. And my experience today has strengthened my admiration. 

As you walk into the temple, you see a beautiful replica of the Sikh holy place, the Golden Temple. There is also a receptionist who started my day off great. I had told him that I had no idea what I was supposed to do and he kindly showed me (you have to take off your shoes and wash your hands). There was a special prayer going on that day for the victims of the Wisconsin Temple shooting, before the regular service. Afterwards, I met a woman in the main prayer room who was very nice and tried very hard to let me know what was going on, even though she didn't speak a lot of English. I couldn't pronounce her name even if I tried, but I do know that her name means Air, or "that which you breath in." 

The Golden Temple replica. You can see one of four doors leading into the main prayer hall in the back.

I should mention that the entire service is spoken in Punjabi. Luckily for me, the temple had TVs that translated the songs sung into English. They were quite beautiful and very much story like. In fact, that was a lot of their purpose; to remind everyone about Sikh history and history in general. There was a lot of singing. Here is an example, but keep in mind it is a lot better in person. 

One of the songs I heard was talking about the Indian Revolution, when India was fighting for its' freedom from Britain. It tells the story about how power and corruption devastated India, and there were millions of innocent people slaughtered for no good reason. It was a sad song, but like the woman who helped me said, it is important to know ones' history. 

Another thing I asked my new friend about was why the men and women were sitting in separate places. She explained to me that it is more for focus than anything else, so that everyone would focus on the service and not become distracted, but that if I wanted to, I could sit by the men and no one would look twice and if a man wanted to sit with the women, that too was his choice. I was impressed, actually. There was a bit of crossover, but mostly it was children and a group of Methodists who sat together. More about them later. 

After a short morning prayer, everyone went into a big dining room/kitchen area to eat breakfast. I was not expecting to be served at all, but what they had was amazing. Completely vegetarian, Sikhs believe it is better to eat plants than animals. But, as it was explained to me, you can do whatever you please.

The gate.

The first woman had to leave, so she ushered me into the dining area and said good bye. There, I met another woman who spoke better English and was just as nice as the previous people. She actually elaborated on some of the things that Air had told me and also taught me how to say hello (sat siri akal) and thank you (tanbad) in Punjabi. Did I say that the food was amazingly awesome?

After breakfast, there was a few more hours of service and learning and at the end of the service, a priest asked the congregation if anyone wanted to say a speech, and was specifically directed to the guests/newcomers of the temple. A woman went to the podium and explained that she and her group were from the local Methodist church and that they were there to become acquainted with the local Sikhs. They wanted to offer their condolences and compassion over the Wisconsin shooting and said thank you and Namaste. 

Being egged on by my new friend, I also went up there and gave a rushed and off the collar speech. I must admit, I was shaking a bit. I said that everyone had been so nice and welcoming, and thanked them for it, and told them that I had come to learn about Sikhism. I said that the shooting was very tragic (ugh! That's like the one thing you DON'T say!) and that as a member of the Pagan community, if they ever needed anything, not to hesitate to ask. Maybe I was stepping over my bounds by speaking as the Pagan community, but I don't think we would turn away from these people who were legitimately benevolent and peaceful and who were viciously attacked despite their openness and compassion. Oh, and I screwed up the hello too! I am so ashamed, but my friend told me that everyone had understood. She said I could speak again next Sunday. (Everyone wants to see me again. :) )

Concluding the service, the congregation again went back to the dining area to have lunch. It, of course, was mind blowing. This time, I ate in peace, surrounded by all sorts of people. For lunch, everyone mixed together and there was much rejoicing. Several people came up to me and gave me hugs or hand shakes and thanked me for the speech. I was totally blushing. Anyway, I kept wanting to leave and tried to tell a few people, but ended up with more food on my plate. It was funny (and also very good).

Lunch! I was given handmade ice cream later and some special Indian tea. Yum!

 The Methodist lady came to say hello to me, and at the end I tried to say thank you to an old lady (who was the only other woman who was wearing a turban) and she ended up telling a guy to give me tea. Oh, the men were serving everyone. <3

The Methodist lady told me that she had Wiccan roots but that she was currently in the church and stuff and that there was a local pagan group and yata. She then introduced me to her group. About the time the intros were finished, a Sikh woman asked everyone to come with her. Rami told us about the holy book and how Sikhs believe it is alive. The book has its' own clothing, is fanned during service, and is put to sleep in a real Queen sized bed. It also has its' own bedroom. People sometimes take it home and take care of the holy book there, also putting it to sleep and clothing it in garments. Rami explained that Sikhs believe the book is a Living Guru. I can tell you that it definitely has a LOT of spiritual energy about it. 

Today is just one step to a thousand mile journey. Soon I will finish A Witches' Bible and will start on Drawing Down the Moon, will begin conducting my own Esbats like I should have been, start meditating daily (if not twice daily, like the Sikhs), and will get on with my spiritual work. My cards are right, now is the time to set fire to my world.

Front of the Temple.

Will you step out of your comfort zone and do something that scares you today?

Monday Blues - Pasta!

I know I haven't been writing last week - partly because of work, but mostly because I dunno what to post about.

But today I will introduce two new recipes! First up, Pasta. Here is how I make it.

Ingredients:

1 lb - Delallo organic Fusilli pasta (whole wheat)
1 jar Emeril's pasta sauce (I like the Roasted Gaaahlic) or Newman's Own pasta sauce
1 lb ground turkey (93% lean)
1/4 can olives, sliced (I would prefer green, but I only had black. Also, I put in 1/2 can in pic)
1/2 jar jalapenos
1 or 2 bell peppers, color of choice, sliced (unfortunately, I didn't have any, so no bell peppers in pic)
1 onion (ditto above)

Brown the turkey, boil the pasta until al dente, and drain both. Throw everything into the pot, stir, and serve hot. Leftovers should be chilled and can be eaten cold later. Easy and quick!

Next, the drink!

1 gallon container
1-2 cups Real Lemon juice (depending on your wanted pucker)
1 cup sugar
water

Put the Real Lemon juice and sugar into the container, and fill the rest of the container with water. Stir, serve cold.

Monday Blues - Tri Bean Chili

Since revamping my lifestyle, I have become a picky eater. I can't cook with butter anymore, fast food makes me sick, and my body actually craves things that I used to hate. However, taste is still my biggest issue! So, Mondays are new recipe days!

Today, Tri Bean Chili! I originally stumbled upon it at BodyBuilding.com and have since made modifications of my own. While it does take longer, the taste is phenomenal. This batch makes a weeks worth of food for three people.

Tri Bean Chili when it's done! Now that's tasting the rainbow.

• 2 lbs. extra lean ground turkey(I get 93% lean turkey when I can. Ground chicken is also good)
• 1 large onion, chopped
• 1 each of red, orange, yellow, and green bell peppers, chopped
• 1 tbsp. garlic powder
• 4 - 4 oz. cans of Rotel (I use the cans with habenero peppers) (Do Not Drain)
• 3 or 4 - 15 oz. cans Organic Tri-Bean Blend (drained)
• 1 tbsp. organic sugar
• 1 tbsp. chili powder
• 2 tbsp. white vinegar
• 3 tbsp. regular yellow mustard (I use Dijion Mustard)
• 2 tsp. cumin
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1 tbsp. dried or fresh cilantro
• Optional - 2 sweet banana peppers, chopped
• Optional - 3 jalapeno peppers, chopped
• Optional - Sprouts (I used "Spicy Sprouts", but bean sprouts are good too)

In a big skillet, brown the turkey on medium heat. This shouldn't take very long, since turkey cooks faster than ground beef. Drain any fat and put the meat in a big pot. Take the skillet again and add onions and bell peppers with some olive oil and sautee until onions are soft or when the bell peppers are soft yet juicy/crunchy.

Meanwhile, add the Rotel (Do Not Drain), Tribeans (these ARE drained), and spices (and the banana peppers and jalapenos if you are using them) to the big pot, except the cilantro and sprouts. The pot should be on medium/sort of low heat (notch 5 on my 10 notch stove). The pot should be getting hot right around the time the onions and peppers are done. When they are done, throw everything into the big pot, stir, and serve hot.


If you like tea, try some Sun Tea with it. Put some water (hot or cold, doesn't matter) and tea bags into a glass jar, put outside, and bring in when the water turns dark. Especially good when living in the South/is Summertime. I personally don't think it needs sugar, but sweeten to taste.

Chili and tea, an awesome and surprisingly filling dinner.