Let me tell you, I hated myself with the burning fires of a thousand Suns. I have hated myself for a very, very long time and it all started in elementary school with the bullies. The bullying from others carried over to middle school, lessened a lot in high school and is pretty much gone now that I am in college. However, the internal bullying didn't stop until about a year ago. The internal dialogue was more poisonous than anything anyone else had said to me.
Then I met a woman who I confessed my ill self talk to. She told me that she puts inspirational words on her water bottles and drinks only that. I asked her what does that have to do with what I tell myself? She told me that our bodies are 60-70% water and that Dr. Masaru Emoto did a study about the effects of words, thoughts, music and/or prayers on water. The water that was given positive words, thoughts or music froze into complicated and beautiful crystals whereas the water that was given negative words, thoughts or music didn't really have ice crystals.
|Ice crystal with "Love and Appreciation" written on the bottle|
But seriously, I started changing myself because I didn't like how I was. I was depressed, wore dark, crappy clothes that matched my dark personality, was cynical and sharp-edged, abrasive, but most importantly, lonely. In short, I was sick of myself and in the style of myself, did a 180.
The first step was changing my mind. I changed how I talked to myself. I didn't punish myself for eating that pizza, nor did I stop myself from doing what I pleased. The most important thing I overcame was the "I can't's". I stopped telling myself "I can't wear that," "I can't do that," "I can't eat that," and starting saying I Will. I will wear that cute dress, I will have that slice of pie, I will climb that sheer rock face!
|Me in my nice clothes just after I got done climbing that rock behind me, March 2012|
Then I changed my mind to change my body. I decided I was going to be fit and healthy. I decided that I needed more muscles to be able to do the things I wanted to do, like climb mountains. So I went (back) to the gym I had signed up for. (Side note, I had moved into a duplex that had a small gym within walking distance and was curious about it, so one day I went in and was caught up in good salesmanship. I couldn't say no to $25 a month for membership and a very handsome blonde haired, blue eyed guy. I went back to the gym three months later, which is what I'm talking about now.)
Don't get me wrong, this stuff didn't happen in a manner of days or weeks. This took months of me stirring myself into action, months more to come to my conclusions, and many more months afterwards of implementation. I am still changing, but you know what? I am healthy and that is all that matters to me. In case you are curious, I am also healthy at 180lbs over my "recommended weight" bs. But I never was focused on losing weight. My focus was and always will be on being healthy.
I am fat, I am healthy, and I am active. I eat whatever pleases me, and I can honestly say that fresh spinach is the bomb. I can have a salad and not feel like I am neglecting myself because I will have that cake afterwards. I don't deny myself, I don't restrict myself, I don't do yo yo dieting, and that freedom has made me so happy.
I eat what tastes good to me, but I changed my eating habits. I eat fruits and veggies, I eat chicken or turkey mostly, I supplement my diet (the way I eat) with multivitamins and chocolate whey protein. I eat sushi and sashimi (I LOVE the local sushi here, made by real chefs!!) and sometimes cooked fish when I can bring myself to do it.
|3-Bean Turkey Chili, courtesy of Jamie Eason from Bodybuilding.com|
My point being, everyone has to find their own happy medium. It doesn't have to involve anything that I did and can be completely different. In fact, I don't expect anyone else to follow what I do and would think them crazy if they did so! I definitely am a weirdo.
In regards to Spirit... you know, it's a process. But it is a whole lot easier when you aren't fighting yourself. Something has to be said about eating the way my body wants, not what my mind wants. I listen closely to what it tells me because my body is sacred and deserves the best of everything. I think it a type of worship, really. Earth my body, Water my blood, Air my breath and Fire my Spirit.
And so I want to leave you with a quote by
"My fellow fatsronauts: Maybe your parents police your body, maybe your partner comments on your eating habits, maybe your boss passes you over for promotions, maybe your coworkers make snide comments about your weight, maybe your thin friends passive-aggressively use your weight to make themselves feel better about their insecurities, maybe strangers say awful shit to you, and maybe you have days where it feels like you are truly, hopelessly, resoundingly unlovable, just because you're fat.
It isn't so. I love the fuck out of you."