Musings on Suicide

I thought about suicide. For many years, I contemplated whether it was worth it to leave the life I hated for something else. I didn't just hate my life either; I hated my body and resented my self. Every time I looked in the mirror, I loathed the thing looking back at me. Then, for years, I couldn't even look myself in the eye -- I didn't even turn on the lights to get dressed or use the restroom, because I didn't want to see my body. I hated every morning, because every night I wished I would die in my dreams. I was in a bad place mentally for a very long time, and I felt pain every day by just existing.

Now, I watch a law show about suicide. A woman was suicidal after the man in her life broke up with her, and the woman turned to another who supported the decision for people to commit suicide. The difference, though, is that the advocate was terminally ill and was slowly dying a painful death.

So I sit here and think about my beliefs on suicide, both assisted and self inflicted.

I've attended to a man who had Huntington's Disease, a neurological wasting disease. I couldn't imagine the kind of life I would have if I was suffering as he was. I would seriously consider ending my life while I could. Even in my family, I have seen certain cancers cause endless amounts of suffering -- the kind of cancers that you cannot recover from.

On the flip side, there are many diseases that are treatable and even curable if you have the help you need. Diabetes, for example, is treatable and manageable with a good support system and insulin. Some STIs and STDs are curable now, and many people can now improve their quality of life with medication. Celiac disease is treatable with a change in diet.

So I think the physical illness side should be looked at as, can you have the quality of life that you want? Can your condition be improved with medicines, therapy, holistic healing, or a combination of things? What kind of death will you be looking forward to; a silent, painless death or a death proceeded by excruciating pain and anguish?

On the other hand, we have mental illnesses. As someone who suffers with depression, it can be a struggle day to day. As I have talked about, I seriously thought about suicide. The only reason I pulled away from that end was due to events in my life. What about others who aren't so lucky?

As someone who has been there before, I lean more towards trying to resolve issues with help. But also someone who has been desperately poor, I understand that the kind of help people need isn't cheap or easy to come by; even medication can be expensive. Perhaps we need to change, as a society, the way we view and treat mental illness and physical disabilities. Actually, there is no "perhaps" about it. There should be no reason why seeking help should be expensive or hard to find and keep. This too should be the government's job since we the People aren't doing it.

Anyway, back to the point.

It's not just depression that impacts people's lives, and help can vary for people. I understand that sometimes, for some people, things just won't get better. Sometimes Life just gave you a shitty hand and it's time to quit until the next go around. And if anyone chose to end their life, I would be sad and upset, but ultimately it's that person's choice.

Still, I ask that if you or someone you know is considering suicide, try reaching out to someone first. When you are at the bottom of the pit, take a step to the side and look up. Many times, when you finally reach out, there will be someone there. For myself, I was surprised to finally find that I wasn't actually alone and that there were people who did really care about me. Sometimes it was a teacher, other times it was kind-hearted students who embraced me. Sometimes it was my dog who looked up to me and was there for me when I cried. Now, it's my brother who depends on me for everything.

I can't say that I regret not taking my life; I am glad I didn't. However, I cannot also say that I can condemn those who do, did, or will because ultimately it is a choice that someone should make themselves.

Again though, there are more nuances in life than just black and white. There are some mental illnesses that cannot be treated currently, like being a rapist or child molester or a serial killer. Some things like narcissism aren't effectively treatable, and even depression and bipolarism are difficult to treat and manage.

So I guess I end my ramblings with this: I think suicide is someone's choice to make, but that every other option should be pursued before committing. Suicide is an extreme and final last resort. Regardless though, you can email me and talk if no one else seems to listen. And if you want to talk about it anonymously (or even help people through their problems) try this site called BlahTherapy.

May you find everything you want.

Fat And Anorexic?

BIG TRIGGER WARNING: Pictures of women with eating disorders, and talk about eating disorders. Scroll down to see.







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What do you think of when you  hear the words "anorexic" or "bulimic"? What mental picture do you have?

This?

This?

This?

What about this?

What exactly is "dieting" for fat people? Dieting is "restrict[ing] oneself to small amounts or special kinds of food in order to lose weight." It is constantly obsessing about your weight, how much or little food you eat, what type of food, when, where, why. It is:

• Obsession with calories and fat content of food
• Preoccupation with food, recipes, or cooking; may cook elaborate dinners for others, but not eat the food themselves
• Dieting ...
• Rituals: cuts food into tiny pieces; refuses to eat around others; hides or discards food
• Purging: uses laxatives, diet pills, ipecac syrup, or water pills; may engage in self-induced vomiting; may run to the bathroom after eating in order to vomit and quickly get rid of the calories
• May engage in frequent, strenuous exercise

.....

• Becomes intolerant to cold and frequently complains of being cold .... body temperature lowers in effort to conserve energy
• Depression: may frequently be in a sad, lethargic state
• Solitude: may avoid friends and family; becomes withdrawn and secretive

 It is:

• fixation on number of calories consumed
• fixation on and extreme consciousness of weight
• low self-esteem
• low blood pressure
• irregular menstrual cycle
• constant trips to the bathroom
• depression

Whoa, wait a minute! Did I just tell you the signs of anorexia and bulimia nervosa? Yes I did.
Counting calories, fixation on weight, preoccupation with food or cooking, and strenuous exercise are all dietary requirements for fat people, but if you are thin, you have an eating disorder.

It is so easy for overweight and obese people to have an eating disorder nowadays. It is even advocated. Here, just look if you don't believe me:

You hear these things all the time. I know I do. On the TV, on the radio, in songs and movies, in the street, on the internet, oh so much on the internet. You hear it from doctors, from politicians, from the First Lady, from scientists, from your friends and family.

"Just stop eating so much."
"Do you really need to eat that?"
"Why don't you exercise instead?"
"Your height to weight ratio is not as good as it needs to be."
"Put down the donut."
"I am concerned about your health."
"If you continue the way you are, you are going to die."

On and on, and you wonder why eating disorders in children under 12 have risen. Not surprisingly, so has adult eating disorders. That's what happens when "[o]n any given day, nearly 40 percent of American women are on a diet." There is not a thin line between dieting and eating disorders. They are, in my opinion, one and the same.

Tune in tomorrow for a first hand account of an eating disorder.

EDIT: Due to the response of this post, I have written another post addressing issues from here.


 

Hidden Face of the Goddess

Triple Goddess, Moon Goddess -- Maiden, Mother, Crone. The three faces of the Goddess are well recognized in the Pagan community and is echoed over many eons of mythology, whether they represent three separate deities (the Moirai/the Norns) or three aspects of one goddess (Hecate, Morrigan, and the Matrones).

Edit: The painter is Ann Fox. Thank You Jerry!!!!

But what if there is a fourth face? We know about the Maiden who is represented by the Waxing Crescent; we know the Mother is represented as the Full Moon; we know the Crone is represented as the Waning Crescent. What about the New Moon, the Dark Moon? What if the fourth face of the Goddess is the hidden face, deep within what is shrouded by the dark, the secret, the forbidden? What if this aspect is the silent one, the one no one talks about but everyone knows subconsciously? Maybe I am slow to realize this, but a while back I found the Charge of the Dark Goddess and never connected it until now.

"The Dark Goddess speaks to us, through the mouths of Lilith, Kali, Tiamet, Hekate, Nix, the Black Madonna, Nemesis and Morgane.
I am the Darkness behind and beneath the shadows.
I am the absence of air that awaits at the bottom of every breath.
I am the Ending before Life begins again,
the Decay that fertilizes the Living.
I am the Bottomless Pit,
the never-ending struggle to reclaim that which is denied.
I am the Key that unlocks every Door.
I am the Glory of Discovery,
for I am that which is hidden, secluded and forbidden.

Come to me at the Dark Moon
and see that which can not be seen,
face the terror that is yours alone.
Swim to me through the blackest oceans
to the center of your greatest fears--
the Dark God and I will keep you safe.
Scream to us in terror, and yours will be the Power to Forbear.
Think of me when you feel pleasure, and I will intensify it,
until the time when I may have the greatest pleasure
of meeting you at the Crossroads Between the Worlds."

The Death Goddess, Goddess of Fear and Terror, Goddess of Darkness, Goddess of Blood. This is the "Other Side" of the Circle of Life. The Last and First Mystery, the Void before the First Breath and the Absence after the Last. (Geez, would you quit capitalizing everything! TYVM)

(source)

"Ye shall approach Me in silence, and as a sign that ye are free from fear, your breast you shall bare to My blade...for fear has no place in My mysteries, and that which you seek of me will destroy you if you fear it"

Dig deep, dig far, and do not fear. You knew Her before you realized it, and you will know Her again. Samhain is coming up fast, and her domain is the Winter (or the Summer, if you are in the Southern Hemisphere).

(Interesting aside: I heard/saw somewhere that some scholars believe that the "dead months" when Demeter cried over her daughter Persephone was actually the Summer months, when the heat was so oppressive that nothing would grow. I don't remember where I read it at, possibly the Wild Hunt, but I can't seem to find it.)

Death. Her name, Death. Maiden, Mother, Crone, Death. Do not fear Her, because She is kind and gentle. She takes away the sickness, the pain, the hurt, the damaged. She loves you in Her way; do not hate Her. Relax, and let it go.



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EDIT:  I'm putting some quotes from people that I totally love about the article.

From Bobby S: I see the fourth side as containing aspects of all and like us holding the reflection of the three hidden. Those things we all hold within the shadow - not bad, not evil - but secrets we hold to ourselves as the moon is shaded but not gone.

Love! Personally I don't see the "dark side" of the Circle as evil or bad anyway. Death is the complimenting half to Life, just like Nemesis is Fortuna's balancer, or Darkness is the twin of Light.

From Connie L:  [Talking about the Triple Goddess painting] But we can easily imagine Her fourth face looking backward, and thus rendered invisible by the other three — just like the dark fourth phase of the moon when it hides its face from us.

Love again! You can almost make out something behind the Three, like it teases something in the back of your mind...

From Gene F: I like the addition of Oh Death, with a supernatural twist. My wife and I actually play this song during our Samhain ritual. I like Connie's statement of her face turned away from us. As if she's keeping her secrets hidden by not showing us her face. Samhian is perhaps my favorite Sabbat. I love the idea that life begins in death. It shows existence as a permanent state, not one that ends with your last breath. It also shows that life is a cycle and that just as in the natural world we will renew.

Love thrice! Did you know that even rocks go through cycles? Our entire galaxy can be described in cycles, from the life/death/rebirth cycle in the animal kingdom and the breathing cycle of plants to the cycles of the planets and their seasons to the rotation of our galaxy itself. Why would our afterlife be any different? 

I love my friends! <3 <3 <3

EDIT #2: One of my friends, Bobby, found this article for me. This is a great read, and a good view of another point I didn't make; the destruction part.