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Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happy. Show all posts
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Friday, July 20, 2012
TL;DR - Food Issues
Yesterday I wrote a post and have gotten very many hits on it, but as I try to comment, they are wiped out. So, while I get my blog fixed or something, I want to leave you with a background on how food, period. Yeah, I know the grammar doesn't work, but read it all and you will understand.
When I was about 5 years old, I was a cute kid. I had all the confidence in the world, was strong willed and very happy. Then, I went into kindergarten. My mother cried as I got onto the bus, but when I got home, I was the one crying. I was teased by my classmates for being fat. Fat? Yeah.
My mother, like any parent, brushed it off and probably said some nice words, and I went back to school again in a better mood and wanting to try to win over the other kid's hearts. It didn't happen, and the ridicule got worse. Every day, things got worse and worse. Yeah sure, it was just words, at first. Then it turned into physical assault, with stone throwing and sticks, literally! Punching, scratching, biting, pinching, kicking. My parents became very concerned and contacted the school, but it was brushed off as kids being kids.
So the years press on and I continue to be ostracized and ridiculed, with various bouts of physical abuse interwoven into the mental torture. If you think "torture" is a bit too harsh of a word, I would like to see you withstand days, months, years of being told you are worthless, that you should kill yourself, that you are nothing and unloved and hated, despised even. "Go away, you are a failure. You disgust me." So, I hated myself, loathed and despised my peers for rejecting me, and looked towards adults as some measure of protection, being the teacher's pet type of kid. I was diagnosed with Severe Clinical Depression at 7 years old, I believe.
Needless to say, I had already turned to food as a comfort and would binge and binge when I got home from school. I would snatch the peanut butter from the cupboard and eat it in my room, consuming it all before my parents got home so I could hide the jar. I hid candy and sweets in my room so I could eat them while I cried so I would feel better. Yes, I became overweight.
My third grade year I had the most awful teacher. Like the kids, she despised me. She would throw my things across the room, detain me after class despite possibly missing the bus, and would find fault in every action I did. Around the same time, or maybe just before, I was diagnosed with severe migraine episodes and was prescribed a pain killer. One of the saving qualities, however, were the animals the teacher had in the room.
One day I got in trouble for some ridiculous thing and she punished me by sitting me under florescent lights and made me hand copy the states and capitals while I watched the other kids play. All through that day I had complained of my head hurting. She blew me off all damn day. Between the odors of the animals, the screaming of the children, the lights, and stress, I could not see the paper because of the pain. She only let me go to the nurse when I started to sob uncontrollably. Later, when my mom came to pick me up, she could see something was wrong with me, but me being a stubborn kid, I didn't tell her anything. The very next day I woke up with a pounding migraine and two black eyes. The blood vessels around my eyes had burst from the pressure. My parents were livid to say the least.
Back at home, things went downhill fast. My parents couldn't control my eating habits and were stressed about my binging. They would buy food for the month and a week later most of it would be gone. My parents seriously thought about putting padlocks on the cupboards and the fridge. When I couldn't get food at home, I went to the neighbors and begged them for food. My parents went around the neighborhood telling people not to feed me. I took my lunch allowance and bought junk food, so my parents couldn't give me money anymore and wrote checks or deposited money into my school account. I would wrack up debt in the cafeteria buying junk, so much so that my parents forcibly told the lunch ladies not to put stuff on credit for me. After that, I would just steal money from my parents wallets and buy food that way. If my parents didn't know that, they do now.
I spiraled out of control in many areas of my life, eventually getting straight up 10s in my classes, where I had previously made 90s and above. I was super depressed with no help, an outcast with no friends, and alone most of the time. I was going through stages of starvation and binging, I guess called bulimia, by this point in an attempt to be thin. I would dream everyday that I was thin and popular and loved, I would dream so hard it hurt to wake up. At 14 years old, I woke up one day and decided to end my life, because I couldn't bear getting up anymore. I hated myself so much I could not even look in the mirror anymore, nor would I look down at my own body and had not done so in many years.
I went to school that day, thinking it would be my last day, and suddenly I was hit by a cosmic freight train. Most of you don't know this, but this was also the point in my life that I became a pagan. I can give details about this part later; all that needs to be said now is that I did not end my life that night, thank Goddess.
I did a major turn around in my life. I fought off my depression and since I had moved to a different state, I looked around and noticed that the people around me were pretty nice and was only avoiding me because I was distant and aggressive towards them (who could blame me tho?). I woke up from a fog, a deadness, a cold and distant place. I remember one instance of my music teacher telling me I should smile and me replying that I didn't know how. Another instance was my first hug by a new friend; I was so stunned I didn't know what to do.
I clawed and dug and tried to fix what was broken. Only recently have I changed my relationship with food. It's been 6 years now since I almost committed suicide. Now I eat in a way that not only pleases me mentally and taste wise, but also satisfies my bodies nutritional needs. I eat regularly, 5 to 6 small meals a day, and I exercise. I had ballooned up to 400lbs and am now trying to find my natural body weight. Now, I love myself and take care of myself. I am so much healthier now than I have ever been in my life. I am happy and outgoing and loved and accepted by my peers (mostly because I only surround myself with people who are awesome). I still have so much work to do, but you know, now I am happy just to walk around lazily until I get there.
For the first time in my life, I am ok with myself.
When I was about 5 years old, I was a cute kid. I had all the confidence in the world, was strong willed and very happy. Then, I went into kindergarten. My mother cried as I got onto the bus, but when I got home, I was the one crying. I was teased by my classmates for being fat. Fat? Yeah.
 |
| Me at five years old, being cute. |
So the years press on and I continue to be ostracized and ridiculed, with various bouts of physical abuse interwoven into the mental torture. If you think "torture" is a bit too harsh of a word, I would like to see you withstand days, months, years of being told you are worthless, that you should kill yourself, that you are nothing and unloved and hated, despised even. "Go away, you are a failure. You disgust me." So, I hated myself, loathed and despised my peers for rejecting me, and looked towards adults as some measure of protection, being the teacher's pet type of kid. I was diagnosed with Severe Clinical Depression at 7 years old, I believe.
Needless to say, I had already turned to food as a comfort and would binge and binge when I got home from school. I would snatch the peanut butter from the cupboard and eat it in my room, consuming it all before my parents got home so I could hide the jar. I hid candy and sweets in my room so I could eat them while I cried so I would feel better. Yes, I became overweight.
 |
| Me, age 8 I think. I was stuck in that shoe bin. |
One day I got in trouble for some ridiculous thing and she punished me by sitting me under florescent lights and made me hand copy the states and capitals while I watched the other kids play. All through that day I had complained of my head hurting. She blew me off all damn day. Between the odors of the animals, the screaming of the children, the lights, and stress, I could not see the paper because of the pain. She only let me go to the nurse when I started to sob uncontrollably. Later, when my mom came to pick me up, she could see something was wrong with me, but me being a stubborn kid, I didn't tell her anything. The very next day I woke up with a pounding migraine and two black eyes. The blood vessels around my eyes had burst from the pressure. My parents were livid to say the least.
Back at home, things went downhill fast. My parents couldn't control my eating habits and were stressed about my binging. They would buy food for the month and a week later most of it would be gone. My parents seriously thought about putting padlocks on the cupboards and the fridge. When I couldn't get food at home, I went to the neighbors and begged them for food. My parents went around the neighborhood telling people not to feed me. I took my lunch allowance and bought junk food, so my parents couldn't give me money anymore and wrote checks or deposited money into my school account. I would wrack up debt in the cafeteria buying junk, so much so that my parents forcibly told the lunch ladies not to put stuff on credit for me. After that, I would just steal money from my parents wallets and buy food that way. If my parents didn't know that, they do now.
I spiraled out of control in many areas of my life, eventually getting straight up 10s in my classes, where I had previously made 90s and above. I was super depressed with no help, an outcast with no friends, and alone most of the time. I was going through stages of starvation and binging, I guess called bulimia, by this point in an attempt to be thin. I would dream everyday that I was thin and popular and loved, I would dream so hard it hurt to wake up. At 14 years old, I woke up one day and decided to end my life, because I couldn't bear getting up anymore. I hated myself so much I could not even look in the mirror anymore, nor would I look down at my own body and had not done so in many years.
I went to school that day, thinking it would be my last day, and suddenly I was hit by a cosmic freight train. Most of you don't know this, but this was also the point in my life that I became a pagan. I can give details about this part later; all that needs to be said now is that I did not end my life that night, thank Goddess.
I did a major turn around in my life. I fought off my depression and since I had moved to a different state, I looked around and noticed that the people around me were pretty nice and was only avoiding me because I was distant and aggressive towards them (who could blame me tho?). I woke up from a fog, a deadness, a cold and distant place. I remember one instance of my music teacher telling me I should smile and me replying that I didn't know how. Another instance was my first hug by a new friend; I was so stunned I didn't know what to do.
I clawed and dug and tried to fix what was broken. Only recently have I changed my relationship with food. It's been 6 years now since I almost committed suicide. Now I eat in a way that not only pleases me mentally and taste wise, but also satisfies my bodies nutritional needs. I eat regularly, 5 to 6 small meals a day, and I exercise. I had ballooned up to 400lbs and am now trying to find my natural body weight. Now, I love myself and take care of myself. I am so much healthier now than I have ever been in my life. I am happy and outgoing and loved and accepted by my peers (mostly because I only surround myself with people who are awesome). I still have so much work to do, but you know, now I am happy just to walk around lazily until I get there.
For the first time in my life, I am ok with myself.
 |
| Me, May 2012. |
Monday, June 11, 2012
Feel Good Tips
A bit down in the dumps? Want a picker upper or are you more interested in a change of attitude? Whatever your goals, here are some tips to make you feel good.
Laugh! Strive to laugh at least three times a day. You know what they say, a laugh a day keeps the doctor away.
Do something you enjoy doing. Go outside, go for a walk, play a game with your family, start a garden, go volunteer. Just get up and enjoy movement.
Meditate. Meditation makes you feel great and allows you to control feelings like anger and sadness. A simple meditation can be found anywhere nowadays, from youtube to yoga sites and everywhere between.
Tell the truth. It is much more simple to tell the truth than to tell lies. You don't have to remember so much and you don't have to fret over it. A temporary pain is better than a long term pain later.
Treat yourself like royalty. Don't put yourself down, don't ridicule yourself, don't find flaws. That tiny blemish is only noticeable to you. Your "horrible nose" is only horrible to you. Instead of focusing on the negative, focus on what is positive. Your hair is beautiful, your eyes are gorgeous, your skin looks awesome.
Accept compliments from others, and don't dismiss them. If someone tells you that you are looking great today, you can say something like "thanks, I look/feel great every day!" If someone thinks you are beautiful, don't say otherwise because you are beautiful! Just because you don't think you look good doesn't mean others think the same way.
Forgiveness. Forgiving others is a noble thing, but I think it is more important to forgive yourself. Don't beat yourself over the head for things. Instead of insulting yourself for missing that goal, think about how you are going to get it next time.
"Losers quit, winners try again." It took me three tries to pass a 200 yard swim test so I could be a deep water guard. If I had quit the first time, I would have never made it. As a realist, it is hard for me to be positive, but I do push myself forward. When you finally get it, you will jump for joy.
Challenge yourself every day. Challenge your beliefs, your thought process, your information, your life. Question everything; nothing and no one is above questioning. Asking why is not bad at all!
Don't deny yourself. If you want that doughnut, eat it. If you want that car, go and get it (legally). Buy those tickets and go out with friends. Saying no all the time makes you unhappy.
Plan in fun. I know money may be tight, but there are plenty of things you can do that won't cost much or anything at all. Try getting together with friends for Ultimate Frisbee, or playing video games. If you can afford it, treat yourself to a good restaurant or go to the movies. All work and no play makes Jack go crazy.
Exercise. I know, I know, but it really does make you feel great. The Runner's High after exercise makes you feel pretty damn good about things and puts you in a good mood. Try yoga, cardio, weight training, or even dancing! I personally like Zumba. <3
Nutrition is important to your health and well being. I really recommend getting good nutrition into the way you eat, and I also recommend taking multivitamins. While supplements like pills are a good thing, remember that supplements are only supplements and are not meant to replace anything. Preferably you should be getting the proper nutrients from the foods you eat.
Learn something new every day. Vacations, breaks, and days off are not an excuse to stop learning. We are learning creatures! Read a book, a good website, or just look into something you aren't familiar with.
Banish fear. Don't be afraid of something, understand it. Are you scared about Islam? Read about it from actual Muslims, talk to actual Muslims, or even read the Qur'an yourself. Scared about leaving the country? Why not learn about a different country. If you are really good at languages, learn it! Scared of the dark? Meditate in it, walk in it, see through it and understand that the dark is only the reflection of deeper fears you must confront.
Don't be afraid to walk alone on your path. I understand that sometimes it is a lonely road to walk, and sometimes there is real opposition, but if you don't follow your heart you won't be happy.
Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right. Just because many people do it doesn't make it right. If everyone beat puppies to death, would you do it too? Even if it is just a small thing, like a negative comment made by someone, challenge it. Silence is taken as acceptance.
Listen to good music! I have been on a Faun kick for a while. They are so awesome! Although, Metal Mother is really good too, and I really like this song called Yeye Chango by Amikaeyla And Ariana. If you have a Youtube account, I recommend KeepMusicPagan's page. It is full of soulful music.
Speak wisely. Words that escape from the lips can never be taken back, no matter how much you want them to. Don't say hurtful things to people and try to think about what you are going to say. It makes your words even more valued.
Realize that the faults that you see in others are the reflection of yourself. Do you see something you don't like in your co-workers? Strive to not do those things yourself. Is someone spreading gossip like it's none of hir business? Don't associate with that person, and don't spread gossip yourself.
Be the example that you want others to be. Be that compassionate person who gives, who is wise and careful and loving and hard working. Lead by example.
Give and receive wisdom. Share the things that you know well and listen to those who know things you do not. Learn from other people's mistakes, and teach other people your mistakes.
Once you accept yourself, you should strive to accept others as well. No one is perfect.
Logic and reason are your best friends. Embrace them.
I think that is it for now! Maybe there will be a part two later. Enjoy your life!!!
Laugh! Strive to laugh at least three times a day. You know what they say, a laugh a day keeps the doctor away.
Do something you enjoy doing. Go outside, go for a walk, play a game with your family, start a garden, go volunteer. Just get up and enjoy movement.
Meditate. Meditation makes you feel great and allows you to control feelings like anger and sadness. A simple meditation can be found anywhere nowadays, from youtube to yoga sites and everywhere between.
Tell the truth. It is much more simple to tell the truth than to tell lies. You don't have to remember so much and you don't have to fret over it. A temporary pain is better than a long term pain later.
Treat yourself like royalty. Don't put yourself down, don't ridicule yourself, don't find flaws. That tiny blemish is only noticeable to you. Your "horrible nose" is only horrible to you. Instead of focusing on the negative, focus on what is positive. Your hair is beautiful, your eyes are gorgeous, your skin looks awesome.
Accept compliments from others, and don't dismiss them. If someone tells you that you are looking great today, you can say something like "thanks, I look/feel great every day!" If someone thinks you are beautiful, don't say otherwise because you are beautiful! Just because you don't think you look good doesn't mean others think the same way.
Forgiveness. Forgiving others is a noble thing, but I think it is more important to forgive yourself. Don't beat yourself over the head for things. Instead of insulting yourself for missing that goal, think about how you are going to get it next time.
"Losers quit, winners try again." It took me three tries to pass a 200 yard swim test so I could be a deep water guard. If I had quit the first time, I would have never made it. As a realist, it is hard for me to be positive, but I do push myself forward. When you finally get it, you will jump for joy.
Challenge yourself every day. Challenge your beliefs, your thought process, your information, your life. Question everything; nothing and no one is above questioning. Asking why is not bad at all!
Don't deny yourself. If you want that doughnut, eat it. If you want that car, go and get it (legally). Buy those tickets and go out with friends. Saying no all the time makes you unhappy.
Plan in fun. I know money may be tight, but there are plenty of things you can do that won't cost much or anything at all. Try getting together with friends for Ultimate Frisbee, or playing video games. If you can afford it, treat yourself to a good restaurant or go to the movies. All work and no play makes Jack go crazy.
Exercise. I know, I know, but it really does make you feel great. The Runner's High after exercise makes you feel pretty damn good about things and puts you in a good mood. Try yoga, cardio, weight training, or even dancing! I personally like Zumba. <3
Nutrition is important to your health and well being. I really recommend getting good nutrition into the way you eat, and I also recommend taking multivitamins. While supplements like pills are a good thing, remember that supplements are only supplements and are not meant to replace anything. Preferably you should be getting the proper nutrients from the foods you eat.
Learn something new every day. Vacations, breaks, and days off are not an excuse to stop learning. We are learning creatures! Read a book, a good website, or just look into something you aren't familiar with.
Banish fear. Don't be afraid of something, understand it. Are you scared about Islam? Read about it from actual Muslims, talk to actual Muslims, or even read the Qur'an yourself. Scared about leaving the country? Why not learn about a different country. If you are really good at languages, learn it! Scared of the dark? Meditate in it, walk in it, see through it and understand that the dark is only the reflection of deeper fears you must confront.
Don't be afraid to walk alone on your path. I understand that sometimes it is a lonely road to walk, and sometimes there is real opposition, but if you don't follow your heart you won't be happy.
Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right. Just because many people do it doesn't make it right. If everyone beat puppies to death, would you do it too? Even if it is just a small thing, like a negative comment made by someone, challenge it. Silence is taken as acceptance.
Listen to good music! I have been on a Faun kick for a while. They are so awesome! Although, Metal Mother is really good too, and I really like this song called Yeye Chango by Amikaeyla And Ariana. If you have a Youtube account, I recommend KeepMusicPagan's page. It is full of soulful music.
Speak wisely. Words that escape from the lips can never be taken back, no matter how much you want them to. Don't say hurtful things to people and try to think about what you are going to say. It makes your words even more valued.
Realize that the faults that you see in others are the reflection of yourself. Do you see something you don't like in your co-workers? Strive to not do those things yourself. Is someone spreading gossip like it's none of hir business? Don't associate with that person, and don't spread gossip yourself.
Be the example that you want others to be. Be that compassionate person who gives, who is wise and careful and loving and hard working. Lead by example.
Give and receive wisdom. Share the things that you know well and listen to those who know things you do not. Learn from other people's mistakes, and teach other people your mistakes.
Once you accept yourself, you should strive to accept others as well. No one is perfect.
Logic and reason are your best friends. Embrace them.
I think that is it for now! Maybe there will be a part two later. Enjoy your life!!!
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